我的虫

i've reached in st louis on 12th of jan at night here, it was 9pm. lol.

13th was our bonding day.. i got to know eric thai mak and thats all.. we spent alot of time talking and knowing about each other.. although thai was kinda cold about his past. 

14th was a day for slacking as we did nothing but only to try out the cold outside our warm refuge. lol. i hate the weather outside.. its damn cold.. as if it went through every layer of clothing on my body. chilly.. damn.. we had an orientation at marillac hall and learnt about american etiquette at the big hall.. which i never followed.. oh i love the part when kathy told us about the double barrel ,,|,, ,,|,, lol.. dinner was terrible because we were severely limited to sub-asian cum americanised food such as pineapple fried rice, pad thai, americanised jumbo satay that tasted like grilled chicken lol.. and the nights were terrible.. the window in my room had a small hole and my thermometer had a reading of 12-14 through out the night lol.. later i plugged the hole and it went fine after that.

mayleng arrived on that night and i was so glad to see her.. her luggage got missing and gosh lol.. she went emo emo emo again lol.. she became better and i had to borrow her my mini long johns that i couldn't wear because my legs were too umm.. fat.. lol.. i sure gained weight here.. man.. i'm fat.. i've got a sister like figure named adlynn.. which i call her man.. because she is very very manly.. and she projects her masculinity by wearing only 2 layers of clothing when we were outside walking lol.. i wore 4-5 layers.. zzzz.. she's gay.. XD.. hmm

15th we went for the placement test which i got flying colours for my results.. which placed me in a class that we were to learn about the colours in america.. my class, the english 060's syllabus was about the the struggles of african-americans in the states.. looks like they went through hell just to stop the racial segregation and discrimation.. that night was particularly boring lol.. but i sneaked out and did something good lol.

16th. we went to florissant valley which was my campus and it wasn't very furnished.. too bad the building were built ages ago.. and the structures look as if they were 200 or 300 years old.. swt.. i kinda admire the masonry though.. i found out that the buildings here were mostly bricks and not painted because st louis has the soil suitable for brick making and not for agriculture.. (neh, those sticky sticky clay clay muddy muddy type lah, the one they use to make china and pots) we went to mills at night to watch mall cop.. and i was too tired and fell asleep and missed the funny scene (refer to tan kah sui for more details)

17th, we went to the arch, the night before that hau hau, my old classmate came to find mak.. hehe.. the arch is wonderful.. and fantastic.. they built a stick of concrete straight up to the sky.. and it bent in a parabolic shape and dropped back to ground.. much like a distorted rainbow.. lol. after that we went to the big green onion accross the street (i dunno what is the name already... forgot liao) the architecture designs were fine and detailed.. it was called the jefferson national expansion memorial... (now i remember) i like it man.. its damn nice.. lol.. we had fridays later which was very fulfilling to my ever-hungry stomach.. lol.. i had a medium steak.. and it was damn damn damn delicious.. in the evening we went to union station to shop.. the chocolate fudge shop there has guys which sang funny and lame songs.. and they made us follow them.. i followed cuz got fudge eat.. we had a foot long of sandwich for dinner.. and it cost only 5 bucks XD.. later the blues game was so sien.. i nearly fell asleep leh... ish ish ish.. these days tavan was very kacau.. lol that fatty.. lol (he says he was only overweight) haha.. he is a good guy but his english sounds funny lol..

17th, later i rewrite ok?

haha, who knows i might come back to my own blog.. its a dumpsite for my emotions.. while i've nowhere to pour.. i cant sleep.. i come here.. i..   cant seem to get over it.. even after 2 years.. its like a permanant trench dug on my heart.. gosh.. i'm like living in my own world.. i cant.. seem to feel like i'm a part of this whole big world.. now i'm a bit detached.. sigh.. whats wrong with me.. its.. just.. once.. why.. the.. hell.. did.. it.. come.. back.. i dont want to face that kind of feeling.. damn.. damn.. after running away for 2 years.. it cant be shrugged off.. cant be washed off.. and it cant go away..

perhaps i need more time.. perhaps..

i'm flying away soon.. and i'll be back soon..

life isn't as bad as it seems.. everthing is sufficient.. except inside me.. ahh.. i hate feeling empty.. i'm.. not satisfied.. i want more more more more more.. lol.. i also dont know more of what.. man.. i cant describe myself.. i also cannot find out what happened to me.. i wanna sleep.. lol.. hopefully it makes me feel better..

i was wondering.. if i died.

while i sill have strength to write:

 

 

If i died.

Would i have made a difference?

Am i just a spectre in their lives?

 

To say i regretted putting myself on the path of death.

But without it, i'd have died inside.

 

People on the other side of the world, trying so hard to live on.

Whereas, i'm inviting it.

 

Do i deserve to live..

That, i'll never find out.

 

Sometimes. Often. Always. All the time.

Which one suits my loneliness.

 

Eternity.

The word for emptiness.

 

Detiorating,

is my health.

 

Shortening,

is my lifespan.

 

Lighter,

is my footprint.

 

Dissipating,

am i.

 

Time,

is short.

 

It's coming,

my one last friend.

 

Death,

be my friend.

Sigh.. what have i been doing these days.. felt guilty for not studying.. my days aren't any better anyhow.. finally.. i got KO-ed drinking.. felt awfully terrible.. that night i didn't have dinner.. after a few swigs.. well.. more than half a bottle of black label downed, i'm much done for.. lying on the cushion, mumbling.. everytime i drank.. i would have memories surfacing.. well.. not in the form of hallucinations.. haha.. the hangover sucks too.. had an uncomfortable stomach for the following day.. heh, thanks to kai, hoong, and mark for carrying me on their shoulders.. seemingly i'm takin more cigs than usual.. well.. a note to myself.

1. stop messing up my own mind

2. less coffin nails, less alcohol

 

which is very hard to attain..

Haven't been writing for some time.. Days weren't that lousy these days. Its just that i've not been joyful. Lots of stuff happened again.. got my new car, national day, pn tan lin's retirement, etc etc etc.. i'm getting lazy these days.. yesterday.. wasn't that bad either, considering i've got one of my evil experiment wishes coming true.. for once.. lol.. we had this NI3, nitrogen triiodide crystals.. and they were really neat stuff.. percussion detonation.. well.. it started when i was taken as an committee member of the science and math society.. given the task to seek for ideas for demonstrations.. i proposed a few.. nitrogen triiodide, thermite reaction of aluminium and ferrous oxide, and ferromagnetic fluid.. NI3 today was like a wish come true.. even small contact with a leaf could trigger the detonation of the dry crystals.. but i didn't escape unscathed either lol.. with one of my friend, yi kee.. he got blasted by a small piece stuck on the leaf, and i think i saw a small blister on my hand.. on my side.. i didn't notice a piece of solid iodine that was on my arm.. Zzzz it left a brown spot there, even tho i washed it with sodium thiosulphate.. dangg... looked like skin cancer to me.. lol.. back a few days we were playing with fuming acids lol.. my skin had a weird feeling.. after it got in contact with HCL.. like some dry sore of some sort lol..

enough of these stuff.. exams coming soon.. in less than a month again.. i've been reluctant to study and prepare.. WTF? i don't wanna fail math again..  sigh.. i'm off.

 to start up, i havent been blogging for some time.. today, i read a book... men are from mars and women are from venus.. it made me realise that i've been a martian all along.. somehow.. i felt that.. i was wrong in the past.. i've been a dick.. haha.. well.. its funny when you see from a guy's point of view.. haha.. my blog is my cave.. the games are also my caves.. i've been such a big caveman.. lol.. its funny when you realise that what you've been doing.. doesn't contribute to the cause of it.. i always don the mr fix-it hat huh.. and didn't even know it didn't help at all.. haha.. and i just got a freezer by doing that before reading the book.. it made me feel like i still wanna improve myself, correct my flaws.. to make life feel better for myself.. and others.. somehow.. a realisation just struck.. at the right time.. well.. life could be better.. if i desired less.. lol

when life isn't going anywhere better, it'd have went bad.

emotions tangling up with thoughts,

i sat around, trying to figure my way out,

taking a puff..

 

when one isn't enough, i drew the second.

somehow, it hurted inside.

coughing, comes in short.

 

well, i aint one that wants to die early,

its like depositing coins inside a piggybank,

one day, it will weight as much as an anvil..

 

cold turkeys aren't nice,

if you know what it meant..

cuz, i dun wanna meet my ancesstors so soon.

and i dont like the idea of burning incense for myself,

anymore.

 

a new perspective in life for me?

do everything like i'm gonna die the next minute,

grub in school wasn't any good these days, was sitting in the canteen with eugene.

then out of nothing, i told him, eat like you're gonna die the next minute.

it would have been quite funny if i died this minute.

so, what matters if the next minute comes or not?

 

i wonder, if anyone would have thought like that.

this would have been interesting,

pee like you're gonna die the next minute?

this brings up another question,

should we?

 

lets say, i'm a freethinker, this puts me out of any gods' grace,

every religion said that if we dont believe in their religion,

we would be damned.

if i died with a full tank, wouldn't it be convenient when i go to hell?

pee can be used to extinguish fire down there.

 

but if i'm not a freethinker? so if i died and asked for forgiveness,

i'd have been given a go to rise? 

then it would have be a burden for me to carry that extra coke can up there,

since i wouldn't want to pee on the humans.

lol..

 

this is a paradox..

it proves that life wasn't meant for logical intelligence.

maybe we should all live like our ancesstors.

 

ps: i'm not going against religion, but should we compensate religion for science or vice versa?

another age went by.. i'm just too lazy to update nowadays.. july.. another month to my first exam of form 6.. life wasn't easy these days.. everyone is still floating around in form 6.. maybe most of us.. having no direction... drift.. and drift.. ... ... .. .

 

duno what to say leh.. ironically.. on 1st of july.. lian jae left.. eugene had his birthday celebrated.. and huey hoong came back... got me 3 cigars and 2 lighters.. lol.. thats nice of him.. sigh.. i still holding his gift for kai.. the playboy... keep forgetting to return it...

 

.. i kinda.. liked piano pieces these days, especially the daydream... and i listened back to xjapan.. and mcr... zzz..

dilemma... endless dilemmas.. i hate decision making.

    如你在唱片店的陈列架前倘佯，于五彩缤纷各式各样的唱片中看到了这张《梦》，相信你会忍不住把它拿起来仔细端详一番。这张唱片的封套设计图案很特别，这种类似彩色漫画风格的绘画，与近两年一位引起绘画界普遍关注的另类配文画家“几米”的作品有异曲同工之妙。画面中一男一女漂浮在满天星斗的夜空中，他们安逸的表情和卷曲状的身体似乎正在呼应着专辑名字中的“梦”所暗示的情境。这充满奇幻神秘色彩的概念设计，很能引起人的好奇心，想一探片中音乐的真实面貌。这张以“梦”为题的唱片，是由旅韩华裔New Age钢琴家白日梦（The Daydream）演奏的钢琴独奏音乐。白日梦今年35岁，是一位处世风格神秘的音乐家。据说他从未在大众面前曝光（难怪也没有媒体知道他的真实姓名），从5岁就开始学弹钢琴至今，在大学主修现代艺术课程，而且在写诗方面也相当活跃。深厚的艺术修养，使他的音乐有种特殊的美感。2001年2月，白日梦的钢琴独奏专辑《梦》在韩国出版，短期内便在韩国市场上打败珍妮佛·洛佩兹、新好男孩、恩雅等国际明星和其他韩国本土歌手的新专辑，打入韩国TOWER RECORDS排行榜前四名内，创造了新世纪音乐在韩国的销售新纪录。
　　    白日梦的音乐让人很自然联想起另一位同样在New Age领域中耕耘的著名钢琴家乔治·温斯顿（George Winston），他们的演奏及作曲风格颇有相似之处，而且都非常擅长用音乐写景、抒情、构筑意境、烘托气氛。《梦》中的音乐分为13段，每段均有独立的标题，整体上又是前后互相关联的。白日梦所演奏的是我们生活中的故事，有爱恨离别，有对人生的迷恋，有对幸福的憧憬，也有梦境难圆的悲伤情怀。其中Track 3《美丽女子》、Track 5《思念》、Track 6《下雨的星期日》、Track 7《白日梦》、Track 12《问句》和Track 13《雨中漫步》等几段，音乐相当优美，时常会让听者恍如置身电影院里正在观看一部情节凄美曲折的电影一般。在白日梦的音乐中，我们很少会有闲暇去留意他的演奏技法如何等琐碎细节，他的音乐天生就像具有莫名的感染力，紧紧扣住听者的思绪，可见他是一位真正了解人类情感的音乐家。市面上不少新世纪音乐专辑空有华美的包装和商业气息浓厚的内容主题，很难让人听过一遍后反复咀嚼。《梦》这张专辑如同一幅下笔不多的中国水墨画，简洁生动之余，给人留下无穷的思维空间，是一张构思精巧，制作成功的新世纪音乐精品。
　　　　The Daydream 是作者的艺名，这张《Dreaming》是The Daydream的NewAge风格的钢琴独奏专辑，曲风缓慢恬静，带着丝丝淡淡的忧伤，聆听这张专辑，也许会想起过去的爱恨离别，或者从前的遗憾……没错，虽然是NewAge风格的钢琴曲，但丝毫不比古典钢琴逊色，曲子表达的忧伤可以直达您的心扉，让你有点点伤感，有点点怀念，却又是那么那么的美。
　　　　曲以慢速的节奏为主调，在那双舞动的手下，流转出一个一个澹然的音符，勾勒出一副天凉如水的默默。始终缓缓的弹奏着，犹如溶在秋凉夜幕下的人们，遥望着天边的星群，独自默然着；也若同秋夜无聊的时刻，脑子里不断交织各色想法。但主旋律是不变的，缓缓的节拍，低音弹奏的主旋律，每个变奏中间还有清脆的几声单音，似乎眼睛微雾着，然后仿佛听见清脆的滴落声。有稍快节拍的弹奏，也有慢速的低语。犹如起起伏伏的心情，只为思念的哪个人。他们有时候是似听见走近自己的脚步声的喜悦，有时候会是夜夜思君不见君的浅愁……就在这样一种声音中，静默于一种幻听中，犹如经历着庄周的化蝶之梦，再分不清哪里是自己生活的彼岸，哪里是彼岸生活的自己。

《白日梦》的解说
　　
　　在圣马克广场看到天使飞翔的特技摩尔人跳舞但没有你，亲爱的，我孤独难耐。　　　　
　　——朱天心《古都》
　　
　　午夜的时候，我聆听着这个钢琴家寂寞的敲打着自己白天里做下的碎梦。一场如此寂寞的倾诉，细细碎碎的独奏，每一键都清清悄悄的敲打着内心最空荡荡的地方，漾出了一圈又一圈孤单的回声。一共六个钢琴小品，piano solo collection，收集的除了忧伤，还有喜悦，还有梦想。
　　
　　1，Tear（眼泪）
　　
　　多年后，如果我们相逢，我将以何来面汝，以沉默以眼泪…… 忧伤的琴键中，我却觉得自己被安慰，泪珠在阳光下凝结成了完美的樱花形状，纵然枯萎仍有暖意。那一刹那真的怕极了自己内心里还有任何怨恨与阴骛，一点点，都会让自己无法与曲中的美丽邂逅。多年以后，沉默的我们正如那些无法启齿的往事，会凝成心里的一滴泪吗？抑或就这么被现实的烈阳蒸发掉了，点滴不剩。至少我为你哭泣过，安静的，无声的，伤心的，在岁月无法触摸的角落里，玫瑰花心渐渐老去。
　　
　　2，You and Me （我们之间）
　　
　　为什么这一曲《我们之间》与上曲是如此相象，一脉相承而来的不止是音符更是情感，难道我们之间注定用眼泪来划上句号，还是当一切都已干涸，谁的心底还有泪如倾。是什么横亘了你与我，让我只能安静的聆听，沉默的注视。在这一切意象都被抽空到极至的钢琴声中，我找寻着你的体温。河流两岸，我们曾经逆流而上，相约去寻找交汇的港湾。黑暗、距离不曾阻隔我们，河流哗哗喧嚣中，也听得到彼此的心跳，手心里能够感觉到你的热度。我在黑暗中编制梦境，抚摩过你脸上的每一处轮廓，虽然看不见，也确知那凝然的方向。总在一些散落的瞬间，你的手心从我手里滑落，错过了心脏的一次跳动便再赶不上它跳动的节奏。河流两岸，雾色渐渐被阳光驱散，阳光下，所有的慌乱与尴尬无所遁形，我们那么清晰的面对面了，激情早已被那些无眠的夜荡涤一空，轻轻却有力的扣问，我听见了你心里的声音，我知道你不曾忘却，我也不曾。记忆的河水清清的流，我们只能面对面，丧失了一切言语。安安静静的远走，我们都不要回头？好吗？
　　
　　3，Beautiful Lady （美丽女子）
　　
　　我心折了，看着你远远的嫣然而来，连心跳都不敢声，一两个悸动的强音之后，只能是心甘情愿的低伏，低伏。你，只是春日里与我擦肩邂逅的美丽女子，却让我心脏的起伏变做了生命里难忘的风景。我开始明白了，有些情绪的律动必然由生理的形式来表达，而心脏那样奇异的律动却连医学也无法解释。我温柔的注视着你，我的目光爱悦着你，这么一个短短的春日的片段，我学会了用心去爱一个人，去爱一种美丽。
　　
　　4，Walking With You （与你同行）
　　
　　欢跃在林间的小鹿。来吧来吧小白兔与乌龟赛跑，让小熊来当裁判。生命化做了一场无止尽的追逐，你追逐我，我追逐喜悦。是追逐也好，躲避也罢，被追的，被寻找的，总是希望被追逐到，被寻找到的。不然这林间的日光，欢笑，鸟鸣，花香，还有何意义？所以，亲爱的，无论我躲在了哪个角落，你都一定要一定要找到我。不然夕阳落山之后，那冷冷长长的回家的路，你让我一个人如何承担？
　　
　　5，I Miss You （思念）
　　
　　一滴一滴一滴一滴一滴…… 琴音洒落在思念的湖面荡开了涟漪圈圈。念你细细密密如冰裂，我岂敢揽镜自照。惜你丝丝缕缕如冬蚕吐，深夜有缠断呼吸的痛。我不知还有什么可以这更好的表达，我若是这个钢琴演奏家，在想念的时候，我也只有那样子，一个一个黑键白键的，安静的坚决的敲过去，敲过去，敲过去。而我只是一个拙劣的聆听者和一个不称职的书写者，我也只能这样子，一个一个键的，沉默的心痛的敲过去，敲过去，敲过去。
　　
　　6，Rainy Sunday （下雨的星期日）
　　
　　我们争吵了，在这个下雨的星期日。那么重那么沉的音符按断了我愉快的周末，偌大的房间里只剩下我一个人呼与吸。往日那些没有你的周末，我是如何度过的？赶快在记忆里翻箱倒柜，为自己找一个坚强的理由。窗外的雨瓢泼如注，你在哪里，有没有被淋到，我开始担心。后来我知道，你永远不会回来了。下雨只是流泪的借口，正如争吵只是不爱的借口。那么大那么大的雨，把一颗心洗刷成了纯白。我不爱你了，也不恨你，哪怕偌大的房间里只剩下我一个人呼与吸。我在学着遗忘一些从小养成的习惯，努力的戒掉一些习惯了的口味。我还是有些担心，你到了哪里，快乐不快，有没有幸福陪伴，下雨的星期日，一定不要像我这样孤单。
　　
　　7，Daydream （白日梦）
　　
　　我竟然做了一个好长的梦，在最最枯燥的文艺学理论的课堂上。醒来之后发现与这个世界格格不入。我该如何为自己的走神来辩白，我可以告诉你，我梦见了什么吗，老师？那些比你的讲课要精彩一百倍的梦境，快些，不然我自己都要开始遗忘。是的，我记住了那么多无聊的名词，专业的术语，却那么快的遗忘掉了一个七彩斑斓的白日梦。我记住了你送给我的唱片，书籍，饰物，却遗忘掉了你抱住我唱过的一首歌，你曾为我抄下的满纸动人情话，你为我别在发间的一朵菊。以为那些都只是白日里的一场梦，是在夏日的暑气和课堂沉闷的气氛中酝酿出来的一场好梦。遗忘了，你才来问我信不信。与谎话相比，我还是相信童话，梦总是可以做得如童话一样优美，起码在做的时候，我是信的。
　　
　　8，Val ntine’s Day （情人节）
　　
　　他们说，要在情人节之前找到一个情人，不想一个人过这样一个甜蜜的节日。他们又说，至少坚持到过完情人节，再和身边的人分手。寂寞，是一种多么可怕的东西。很多年很多年之前，那个名叫圣瓦伦汀的教士，也是这么想的吗？什么时候才能，大家都度过一个真正快乐的情人节。可是总有那么多淘气的小狗叫汪汪，把你身上掉落的骨头衔走，恶作剧的丢到很远很远的地方。我们，怎么能因为创口空虚的疼痛而随意找另一块骨头填补？所以，只好度过了一个又一个孤单的情人节。人山人海中，我们还是彼此发现了，那一天，世界上多了两个小孩子，那一天，并不是情人节，可从此天天都是情人节。
　　
　　9，Love is……
　　
　　要问我，我也不知道。
　　
　　10，Wedding（Mendelssohn）
　　
　　这一曲熟悉的音乐，被按出了些许迟疑，些许欢快，些许调皮，些许温柔。真是愉快呵，我不曾听过如此可爱的婚礼进行曲。
　　
　　11，Love is……
　　
　　又是一连串如此急促的发问。何必去管何必去问？你专心的弹你的琴就好，我专心念我的书就好。琴音里渐传来玫瑰的芬芳，若世人不是太爱玫瑰，它原该只艳不俗，若世人不是总要把爱挂在嘴边，它原该比世间的一切都清雅隽永。
　　
　　12，Questions（问句）
　　
　　流水一般的宣泄你心中的疑问。越往上游而去，越发现自己无知的好似孩童。有些事情只有存在，没有原因。就像你今日弹下的乐章，明天将漂散何处？我的成长，并不是学会去解答生命里的疑问，而是学会不再去追问，不再去追问那些或愚蠢或刁钻的问题，不再去追问，不再去追问。岁月是一道太难的谜题，等你觅到了答案，才发现，谜面早已遗忘。所以我只是轻巧的涉过你充满问号的河流，去追寻我应该追寻的，不问为什么。
　　
　　13，Stepping On The Rainy Street（雨中漫步）
　　
　　不会忘记《雨中曲》中最后一段，金快乐与雨珠共舞，不会忘记《四个婚礼一个葬礼》中，雨中那场热烈的拥吻。心底有那么多激情与浪漫翻涌。走在你的身边，却也只敢扬起伞沿，偷偷的注视你好看的嘴角，你的眉宇之间何时溅入了雨滴，凝视着我的目光，是如此的如水盈盈，如水盈盈。
　　
　　14，A Comm amour（秋日的私语）
　　
　　不知道与克莱德曼所奏的相比，在技巧上孰高孰低。仅就单纯的聆听而言，感觉比克的要朴实简约些，没有那么华美，却更加温暖。好像小斑鸠那样，在一起喁喁私语，絮絮言情。秋风吹醒树叶，落叶深吻大地，当这个世界寂静无声的时候，我总是能到你在我耳边低语，宛若天籁，使我常要误以为这世间果有无人之境。
　　
　　15，Raves D‘amour（梦幻之爱）
　　幻？爱？天， 了我吧。
　　
　　16，Les larmes De Joie（喜悦的泪珠）
　　
　　如何找到那个爱我和我爱的人，变成梦里的情节。有泪就让它像晴天落白雨，干干净净，彻彻底底。也惟有落泪的时刻，才能清晰的感知自己心底的柔软。以眼泪开场，却以喜悦收尾，是不是人生最美的安排。然而这首乐曲的喧嚣并不是我喜爱的收场。何必叹息呢，人生不如意事常八九，我依然要感谢它给了我完整的美丽的聆听，十桩之中，有一桩如愿了，人生就不是骗局，而是值得感激的生命的真相。

　　
CD: The Daydream - Dreaming

01. Tears    [0:03:51.72]
02. You and Me    [0:04:16.25]
03. Beautiful Lady    [0:05:11.10]
04. Walking With You    [0:04:21.00]
05. I Miss You    [0:06:04.08]
06. Rainy Sunday    [0:03:19.72]
07. Daydream    [0:05:21.50]
08. Valentine's Day    [0:03:15.73]
09. Love is.. I    [0:03:53.55]
10. Wedding (Mendelssohn)    [0:02:19.25]
11. Love is.. II    [0:04:00.12]
12. Questions    [0:05:03.40]
13. Stepping on the Rainy Street    [0:01:41.42]